Appease to my guilt

Do you remember the New Year’s Eve 2018?

You poured your heart out in a text, isn’t that crazy? 
But I was seeking vengeance for the past year and a half of your lust,
So, I blew off a one-word reply in a cloud of dust. 

You said you can’t comprehend the lyrics of my song, 
To which I responded, just listen, and I will happily translate every word.   
I’ve been told I’m sullen and withdrawn, 
I guess in a way, I’m my own problem. 

Are those magnolias in a bouquet, 
Or carnations in a casket spray. 
There I was chasing waterfalls, 
But I was doomed from that very first learning capture. 

I wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweats, 
Ghost, fears, stuff of nightmare.
Gallivanting from the deepest of the oceans to the highest of the mountains, 
You may think this is an angry love confession. 

I’ve been in the survival mode all my life,
I chew my food off of the knife. 
That’s what you do when you’ve never been taught how to use a spoon, 
“Why,” you ask? You want what they taught us, or the truth? 

All throughout the flight, I clenched my armrest,
I toss and turn, buckle and unbuckle my seatbelt. 
Not sure if the landing will conclude with a disastrous end, 
Or the“and if you’re not visiting, welcome home” from the Pilot.  

They say poison is a woman’s weapon,
That must be why I drank all the flavors of a Double Magnum. 
“Was it casual,” I screamed? 
You tried to save your leftover dignity by pleading the Fifth.  

Nothing casual about intimacy, 
Nothing casual about letting someone in your mind and body.
They can say what they want, 
But you’re guilty on all fraud counts. 

You handed me off to demons for a reward, and I was so gullible,
Any plans for your thirty pieces of silver? 
How did what was once so familiar became so aloof,
Like the integration problems I used to own once upon a time in a math classroom. 

I should’ve seen it coming, should’ve known, 
My character assassination. 
In your favorite book about the surface level philosophy, 
Oh, how embarrassing. 

That’s the pain of burden of knowledge, 
Questioned my whole existence.
A cracker drops on the floor while you baked a cake,
The dog in me thought it was a fair game. 

I fell down and skinned my knees,
Static as a deer caught in the headlights.  
Was I a finished Monet or just a box of crayons? Just a Velvet fabric used to showcase sparkling diamonds? 

Time and again, I said what could possibly go wrong, 
Famous last words. 
The way you skip rocks in the ocean, 
Fire still burns, but the diesel is poison.  

Live by the sword, die by the sword,
You choked on your own words. 
Killed by the weapon you defended,
Destructed by the very thing you once held sacred. 

Change the forecast

Funny how after going through it all,

I still struggle to put it into words.

My soul still wants to come clean.

Asks, did you truly desire me? 

Or you settled because you couldn’t get the girl of your dreams?

Is it a real-life situation of Jhilmil-Shruti? 

You said I need too much love, and that I don’t speak much. 

The title of my autobiography would be “broken.”

One word. Not a lot. 

But it says, enough. 

Apparently I’m too aloof, too proud, did a lot of bad things, won’t fit right with your friends.

Please don’t judge me by the actions of my weakest moments. 

Cold water feels warm when your hands are freezing. 

Poison tastes like honey.

And a starving person will eat anything. 

So, I begged on my knees, cried all night, and wished for a miracle. 

You should see the audience gathered around to witness this debacle. 

“Stupid girl.”

“Doesn’t learn.”

Oh, the remarks still ring in my ears. 

My mind is mental hell-house, but who cares?

Even though you committed a crime,

I hope your beer is next to my cocktail in every single lifetime.

Heavenly bodies

Midnight, I’m alone, and can’t sleep.

You’re off to Boston, but I wish I were knee-deep. 

The sound of the breeze outside my window is supposed to sound calming.

Then, why the hell am I wishing I were on a different galaxy? 

My nightstand has a photo of you at a beach hotel. 

So sexy, it’s cruel. 

I’m pretending to look at the night sky, but actually thinking of you in your white button-down. 

My face wanted a crow’s feet, not a frown. 

The Jupiter to my Earth, you’re my cosmic protector. 

Shielding me from the asteroids, comets, and vicious particle. 

Sure, I was once a thorny cactus. 

But now, you’re my blooming Lotus. 

Make me a star, a high hanging fruit on a tree. 

That can be captured only by you, don’t you  agree? 

I don’t want to be a decaying root you built, 

Eventually leading to how the bottom leaves of a house plant wilt. 

As the Moon emerges from the clouds.

You’re not here, so I toss and turn, in the blackout.

With your body in my mind, Yours Truly gets her sheets drenched and the pillows bit. 

But promise me, once the Sun appears, it’s you who will be this culprit. 

The galaxy, sky, Jupiter, star, the Sun, and the Moon. 

All the heavenly bodies, are using their gravity to encapsulate us soon, my groom. 

So, drink your beer, and wait for me in the Colonnade at the dawn.

Soon we’ll be singing “here’s to forever and a day,” while driving off to the metaphorical horizon. 

The way I love you

Remember the very first day with introductions and white marker boards? 

Don’t know about you, but I was longing for it for months. 
Wasn’t sure how it was going to turn out,
But I knew it had to be better than what I was leaving about. 
I came from broken heart, looking for my Knight on a white horse. 
And there you were winning awards with flying colors in every course. 

But I was aloof, insecure, a villain in my own story, in pain.
You broke down my heart of stone and walls of vain. 
Not going to lie, it was difficult seeing the daylight.
Everything seemed so bright.
My eyes wouldn’t open well. 
Imagine a blind man getting his vision back after years, and emerging from the cave. 

And so an era began. 
One our friends talk about even now as the love stories remain. 
It’s been years, but all the memories are still so fresh.
How we hid in your bedsheets not to be caught by your roommates.
If some heavenly entity were to come down and ask my fondest memory.
Absolutely, it would be your sweet smile, your aura, and the nights we spent in your white Chevy. 

So this poem is to let you know that I had the time of my life as a wild cat.
When my happiness began and ended with your silhouette.
Remember our phone calls that lasted through the night. 
Whether it was about what we had for lunch that day, our old life stories, or a 2 AM fight. 
Not to be heard by your roommates, you would talk real slow. 
While I sang, danced, and screamed in my studio. 

And even though it’s been years from these memories, 
It’s not tarnished, still perfect like symmetries.
I swear this is the happiest I have ever been in my life. 
As your friend, your lover, your wife. 
Then, now, and all the way through,
Because that’s the way I love you. 

Books I Read in 2024 that I HIGHLY Recommend (to be updated over time)

 You'll see a lot of crime mysteries here, but that's because this is my favorite genre of books. 

• The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides: A shocking psychological thriller of a woman's act of violence against her husband and of the therapist obsessed with uncovering her motive. 

• Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie: A satisfying murder mystery.

• It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover: Beautiful story connecting the themes of love, heartbreak, domestic violence, and feminism. 

• The Sheep, the Rooster, and the Duck by Matt Phelan: A feel good, lighthearted, and comic relief book about a boy in 1783 France, who finds himself in the middle of a sinister plot as he helps France's undercover guardians, a sheep, a roster and a duck save the world. 

• The Butcher and the Wren by Alaina Urquhart: *TRIGGER WARNING* I found this one extremely difficult to read because it is excruciatingly graphic. This is a thrilling novel about a notorious serial killer who likes to perform medical experiments on his victims. 

• The Mistress of Bhatia House by Sujata Massey: Set in the 1920s India, this story depicts the themes of social class, financial hierarchy, gender inequality, betrayal, and societal evil practices. 

• The Girl Who Lost a Leopard by Nizrana Farook: Another feel good book about an adolescent girl Selvi who loves the animals that live on the mountains behind her home, particularly a beautiful golden leopard, and she is determined to protect him from the hunter Jansz who both threatens not only the leopard, but Selvi's family as well. Watch out for the twist! 

• All Good People Here by Ashley Flowers: ONE OF MY FAVORITES! Couldn't keep this crime mystery down until the end. 

• November 9 by Colleen Hoover: A sweet straight-forward love story...or so I thought. 

• The Midwife of Auschwitz by Anna Stuart: If you read absolutely nothing from my list, at least read this one. I cried, laughed, sighed, went through a rollercoaster of emotions while reading this story on the Holocaust. The part where a Nazi woman grabs a just-born Jewish baby out of the mother, spins the baby around, and throws him away still haunts me. 

• The Edge of Lost by Kristina McMorris: Story of a young boy who struggles to come from Ireland to the United States in search of happily ever after only to realize the States is not 100% what he thought it would be. I, of course, related to it as an immigrant myself. Also learned a lot about the Alcatraz. 

• All of the Lee Hollis's Maya and Sandra mystery novels: Murder at the PTA, Murder at the Bake Sale, Murder on the Class Trip, and Murder at the Spelling Bee. Two women working as private detectives while managing their spouses, young adult children, home life, and social obligations. 

• The Neighbor Favor by Kristina Forest: A beautiful, feel-good love story about two introverted individuals who share their love of books. 

Invalid Guilt

Invalid Guilt 

Love thorns, discord, was the prophecy to be alone? But still kept wishing on a wishing star to not be on my own. 

Thought I craved that pleasure just in my brain, 

But now I want it bad between my walking crane. 

So many young loves, I lost count, 

But just in my mind, didn’t want to give it away before I was promised safe and sound. 

Days passed away thinking about all those things we’d do when we met, 

And night, with the waves crashing into ecstasy with the resting fabric now drenched. 

But the oath answered, Remember when we first talked in the learning capture? 

Think about the time when you’re driving in rain, 

But a split second of overhead bridge comes, and there goes away any pain. 

Now we’re entangled in all the right places, 

The parking lot, the library, your white Chevrolet, even our lab spaces. 

Gone are the days when I kept paying for our stars to align, 

On my knees, passionately wishing you were mine. 

How lucky am I, because even during the slamming doors, 

My fingers long to be entwined in the blanket folds. 

So, mark your signature on a part of the never seen anatomy,

While I scream your name with a blissful ecstasy. 

Curses and Blessings: Story of a Stargazer

The toddler years were spent with youth and ignorance, 

But still understood the incidents filled with traumatic near-death experience. 

Moments of what can only be called excruciating pain,

Of when they stole everything you and your spouse have worked so hard for, gone all in vain. 

 

But at least his life remained whole, 

After all, in the end, that’s what matters the most. 

 

Then came the new city, the capital, the challenges, 

Family issues, foreign land denials, more robbery, imagine day in life of an unfit school adolescence. 

Bad luck every day, every year for nearly half a decade, the darkest night right before the brightest sun rays, 

Although this light would have to wait for another decade. 

 

But the permission to land in the most perfect place on Earth did come around, 

Finally, the family would be together even if just not yet completely safe and sound. 

 

Stranger in a new country, teenage petulance, different lifestyle, 

But wasn’t I the one who prayed in my knees every night for this to be mine? 

Typical teen, fought with parents about the trivial, wanting to make cool friends, exciting novelty, 

But lived below the poverty line while the rest of the school kids enjoyed concerts of some famous celebrity. 

 

But “have faith, be resilient,” someone from within and above promised, and while dad said to seize every chance,  

For even this uncertainty is temporary, and this soon shall pass. 

 

So many moves, academic unpredictability, changed three schools in three years, 

Even got in massive trouble due to the newfound pleasures. 

But I like to think I did the best I could, still luckier than most, at least we never had to bow down,

Then, came the letter that turned my whole life into what it is now. 

 

Thought to myself how I was now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, 

Was certain it was the beginning of the freedom, attending parties, finding the one, and that would be all. 

 

But spoke too soon as came the challenging lessons, thought I was the dumbest one in the group, plus both depressing and exciting love affairs, 

But with the help of now a stranger, I did pass the school courses. 

Made close friends, traveled from the deepest oceans to the highest Falls, but also broke many hearts than I care to count, 

Perhaps this is why, in a couple of years, Karma did catch me as if on a hunt. 

 

But that was not until for a while,

During which time, the boy did become mine, and I could have sworn I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. 

 

Then as promised, misery arrived and all things dissolved into dark, everything I thought was mine, 

Long-distance, employment denials, betrayal from sibling and friends, lonely nights, jealousy, and spilled wine. 

Crying on the bathroom floor, no one to vent to, my soul crumbled and melted, 

Prayed, “please, give me back the good times, I apologize, and I promise to never take them for granted.”

 

As the months passed by, I was forced to make peace with the time, 

After all, I did actually do the crime. 

 

Fast forward to the current day when I got the degree, the job, the boy, 

Although happy, need to keep reminding myself to be grateful, and that this blessing is not a toy. 

Time and again, life happens, and I become a tourist in my own homeland, 

But again, keep reminding myself all is okay, think of the journey all the way back from where I started. 

 

Grateful for everything that has happened, all good and even things that could have been better, 

For this is a story of your very own stargazer.