Appease to my guilt

Do you remember the New Year’s Eve 2018?

You poured your heart out in a text, isn’t that crazy? 
But I was seeking vengeance for the past year and a half of your lust,
So, I blew off a one-word reply in a cloud of dust. 

You said you can’t comprehend the lyrics of my song, 
To which I responded, just listen, and I will happily translate every word.   
I’ve been told I’m sullen and withdrawn, 
I guess in a way, I’m my own problem. 

Are those magnolias in a bouquet, 
Or carnations in a casket spray. 
There I was chasing waterfalls, 
But I was doomed from that very first learning capture. 

I wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweats, 
Ghost, fears, stuff of nightmare.
Gallivanting from the deepest of the oceans to the highest of the mountains, 
You may think this is an angry love confession. 

I’ve been in the survival mode all my life,
I chew my food off of the knife. 
That’s what you do when you’ve never been taught how to use a spoon, 
“Why,” you ask? You want what they taught us, or the truth? 

All throughout the flight, I clenched my armrest,
I toss and turn, buckle and unbuckle my seatbelt. 
Not sure if the landing will conclude with a disastrous end, 
Or the“and if you’re not visiting, welcome home” from the Pilot.  

They say poison is a woman’s weapon,
That must be why I drank all the flavors of a Double Magnum. 
“Was it casual,” I screamed? 
You tried to save your leftover dignity by pleading the Fifth.  

Nothing casual about intimacy, 
Nothing casual about letting someone in your mind and body.
They can say what they want, 
But you’re guilty on all fraud counts. 

You handed me off to demons for a reward, and I was so gullible,
Any plans for your thirty pieces of silver? 
How did what was once so familiar became so aloof,
Like the integration problems I used to own once upon a time in a math classroom. 

I should’ve seen it coming, should’ve known, 
My character assassination. 
In your favorite book about the surface level philosophy, 
Oh, how embarrassing. 

That’s the pain of burden of knowledge, 
Questioned my whole existence.
A cracker drops on the floor while you baked a cake,
The dog in me thought it was a fair game. 

I fell down and skinned my knees,
Static as a deer caught in the headlights.  
Was I a finished Monet or just a box of crayons? Just a Velvet fabric used to showcase sparkling diamonds? 

Time and again, I said what could possibly go wrong, 
Famous last words. 
The way you skip rocks in the ocean, 
Fire still burns, but the diesel is poison.  

Live by the sword, die by the sword,
You choked on your own words. 
Killed by the weapon you defended,
Destructed by the very thing you once held sacred.