Appease to my guilt

Do you remember the New Year’s Eve 2018?

You poured your heart out in a text, isn’t that crazy? 
But I was seeking vengeance for the past year and a half of your lust,
So, I blew off a one-word reply in a cloud of dust. 

You said you can’t comprehend the lyrics of my song, 
To which I responded, just listen, and I will happily translate every word.   
I’ve been told I’m sullen and withdrawn, 
I guess in a way, I’m my own problem. 

Are those magnolias in a bouquet, 
Or carnations in a casket spray. 
There I was chasing waterfalls, 
But I was doomed from that very first learning capture. 

I wake up in the middle of the night with cold sweats, 
Ghost, fears, stuff of nightmare.
Gallivanting from the deepest of the oceans to the highest of the mountains, 
You may think this is an angry love confession. 

I’ve been in the survival mode all my life,
I chew my food off of the knife. 
That’s what you do when you’ve never been taught how to use a spoon, 
“Why,” you ask? You want what they taught us, or the truth? 

All throughout the flight, I clenched my armrest,
I toss and turn, buckle and unbuckle my seatbelt. 
Not sure if the landing will conclude with a disastrous end, 
Or the“and if you’re not visiting, welcome home” from the Pilot.  

They say poison is a woman’s weapon,
That must be why I drank all the flavors of a Double Magnum. 
“Was it casual,” I screamed? 
You tried to save your leftover dignity by pleading the Fifth.  

Nothing casual about intimacy, 
Nothing casual about letting someone in your mind and body.
They can say what they want, 
But you’re guilty on all fraud counts. 

You handed me off to demons for a reward, and I was so gullible,
Any plans for your thirty pieces of silver? 
How did what was once so familiar became so aloof,
Like the integration problems I used to own once upon a time in a math classroom. 

I should’ve seen it coming, should’ve known, 
My character assassination. 
In your favorite book about the surface level philosophy, 
Oh, how embarrassing. 

That’s the pain of burden of knowledge, 
Questioned my whole existence.
A cracker drops on the floor while you baked a cake,
The dog in me thought it was a fair game. 

I fell down and skinned my knees,
Static as a deer caught in the headlights.  
Was I a finished Monet or just a box of crayons? Just a Velvet fabric used to showcase sparkling diamonds? 

Time and again, I said what could possibly go wrong, 
Famous last words. 
The way you skip rocks in the ocean, 
Fire still burns, but the diesel is poison.  

Live by the sword, die by the sword,
You choked on your own words. 
Killed by the weapon you defended,
Destructed by the very thing you once held sacred. 

Change the forecast

Funny how after going through it all,

I still struggle to put it into words.

My soul still wants to come clean.

Asks, did you truly desire me? 

Or you settled because you couldn’t get the girl of your dreams?

Is it a real-life situation of Jhilmil-Shruti? 

You said I need too much love, and that I don’t speak much. 

The title of my autobiography would be “broken.”

One word. Not a lot. 

But it says, enough. 

Apparently I’m too aloof, too proud, did a lot of bad things, won’t fit right with your friends.

Please don’t judge me by the actions of my weakest moments. 

Cold water feels warm when your hands are freezing. 

Poison tastes like honey.

And a starving person will eat anything. 

So, I begged on my knees, cried all night, and wished for a miracle. 

You should see the audience gathered around to witness this debacle. 

“Stupid girl.”

“Doesn’t learn.”

Oh, the remarks still ring in my ears. 

My mind is mental hell-house, but who cares?

Even though you committed a crime,

I hope your beer is next to my cocktail in every single lifetime.

Heavenly bodies

Midnight, I’m alone, and can’t sleep.

You’re off to Boston, but I wish I were knee-deep. 

The sound of the breeze outside my window is supposed to sound calming.

Then, why the hell am I wishing I were on a different galaxy? 

My nightstand has a photo of you at a beach hotel. 

So sexy, it’s cruel. 

I’m pretending to look at the night sky, but actually thinking of you in your white button-down. 

My face wanted a crow’s feet, not a frown. 

The Jupiter to my Earth, you’re my cosmic protector. 

Shielding me from the asteroids, comets, and vicious particle. 

Sure, I was once a thorny cactus. 

But now, you’re my blooming Lotus. 

Make me a star, a high hanging fruit on a tree. 

That can be captured only by you, don’t you  agree? 

I don’t want to be a decaying root you built, 

Eventually leading to how the bottom leaves of a house plant wilt. 

As the Moon emerges from the clouds.

You’re not here, so I toss and turn, in the blackout.

With your body in my mind, Yours Truly gets her sheets drenched and the pillows bit. 

But promise me, once the Sun appears, it’s you who will be this culprit. 

The galaxy, sky, Jupiter, star, the Sun, and the Moon. 

All the heavenly bodies, are using their gravity to encapsulate us soon, my groom. 

So, drink your beer, and wait for me in the Colonnade at the dawn.

Soon we’ll be singing “here’s to forever and a day,” while driving off to the metaphorical horizon. 

The way I love you

Remember the very first day with introductions and white marker boards? 

Don’t know about you, but I was longing for it for months. 
Wasn’t sure how it was going to turn out,
But I knew it had to be better than what I was leaving about. 
I came from broken heart, looking for my Knight on a white horse. 
And there you were winning awards with flying colors in every course. 

But I was aloof, insecure, a villain in my own story, in pain.
You broke down my heart of stone and walls of vain. 
Not going to lie, it was difficult seeing the daylight.
Everything seemed so bright.
My eyes wouldn’t open well. 
Imagine a blind man getting his vision back after years, and emerging from the cave. 

And so an era began. 
One our friends talk about even now as the love stories remain. 
It’s been years, but all the memories are still so fresh.
How we hid in your bedsheets not to be caught by your roommates.
If some heavenly entity were to come down and ask my fondest memory.
Absolutely, it would be your sweet smile, your aura, and the nights we spent in your white Chevy. 

So this poem is to let you know that I had the time of my life as a wild cat.
When my happiness began and ended with your silhouette.
Remember our phone calls that lasted through the night. 
Whether it was about what we had for lunch that day, our old life stories, or a 2 AM fight. 
Not to be heard by your roommates, you would talk real slow. 
While I sang, danced, and screamed in my studio. 

And even though it’s been years from these memories, 
It’s not tarnished, still perfect like symmetries.
I swear this is the happiest I have ever been in my life. 
As your friend, your lover, your wife. 
Then, now, and all the way through,
Because that’s the way I love you.